Maybe

always reaching

Photo by Cherry Laithang on Unsplash

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knuckles tangled in my hair

fists full of roots like i’m trying to keep

my own head

from splitting open

forehead pressed

where my knees

have learned

the shape of surrender

i rock

back and forth

back and forth

somewhere

between the sway

and the next breath

the room tears

the corners cave

the floor breaks open

and i fall

•••

this place knows my weight

one of my first

getaways

darkness

always waiting

always ready

always inviting

“easy

girl

easy

i’ve got you now

grip tighter

curl smaller

good girl

feel that

that pull in your chest

that hitch in your breath

that itch in your head

where the what ifs nest

that’s me

you know me

i’ve been with you

since the beginning

thought by thought

stone by stone

you dug this pit

and called it home

look at you

dumb girl

weak girl

white knuckled

jaw locked

heart hot

your hope caught

halfway

between a dream

and a panic attack

same script

you predictable bitch

you think fresh ink

a new cliff

makes you special

this is just an old brink

you keep calling it growth

but those growing pains

sure do fucking hurt”

stone walls

close in

breathing gets harder

every inhale

tastes like endings

every exhale

the air feels thicker

my darkness smiles

“i know you

every almost

every reach

every sentence

you swallowed

to shrink yourself

before anybody else could

every dream

you set fire to

so disappointment

wouldn’t light the match first

stay

down here

with me”

•••

i tip my head back

vertebra

by vertebra

by vertebra

the walls

keep climbing

past the place

where blue

meets the sky

past the place

where i climbed

hard enough

to leave

parts of myself

behind each time

up

where my voice

found

light

•••

the walls collapse

echoes stack

the dark fights back

“lucky girl

lucky break

lucky feet

found one more step

go on

call it courage

but it’s just

dumb luck

dumb luck

you’re still alive

dragging it

like a chain

holding you down

here with me

look at yourself

look where

luck got you

curled up

on the floor

talking to ghosts

through a mouth

full of gravel

go on

look up

see those walls

higher than every promise

you ever made yourself”

my hands shake

the stones quake

enough to let some light break

i look at my palms

i count the scars

i count them slowly

every one

every

single

one

i gained

climbing

out of the dark

•••

“they healed crooked”

maybe

“they’ll split again”

maybe

“you’ll fall”

maybe

“you’ll fail”

maybe

it hangs in the air

maybe

the dark smiles

“doesn’t it feel

better

down here”

maybe

“see”

maybe

i breathe

maybe

is where

every road

i’ve ever survived

began

•••

the dark

goes quiet

long enough

for my heartbeat

to stop borrowing

its rhythm

•••

knuckles tangled in my hair

fists full of roots like i’m trying to keep

my own head

from splitting open

forehead pressed

where my knees

have learned

the shape of surrender

my rocking slows

my fingers

unclench

one

then the other

then the rest

my forehead

lifts

i inhale

i exhale

i open

my eyes

•••

my fingers

climb

the wall

•••

i find

the switch

•••

i press

•••

light

•••

maybe

•••

Thank you for being here.

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